I Have Today

I recall a remark made by a person living with Parkinson’s when asked how he kept his busy life in balance.  He responded with, “I just show up when I can”.  Simple phrase, profound words.  To show up is to be authentic, be present, be fully engaged.  I do the best I can to apply and practice this philosophy in my own life, as my co-existence with the progression of Parkinson’s evolves.

Life with Parkinson’s began for me 8 years ago.  The most valuable components of my life have remained unchanged since diagnosis.  I have a loving and supportive husband, family and friends who I love and who love me, a comfortable home, a garden to nurture.  I am grateful for all the love and laughter in my life. I am happy.  I am content.  I live a simple, uncomplicated, meaningful life.

Each passing year I notice gradual shifts in my physical capabilities and increasing symptoms of Parkinson’s.  My day’s activities are planned according to my energy levels. I do what I want to do or need to do when I have the physical, mental or emotional energy necessary to be fully engaged. I can be at rest, and yet be fully engaged in the action of resting.

To be genuine, to be true to myself, to be authentic I acknowledge my feelings and emotions associated with the obstacles and roadblocks of living with Parkinson’s.  I cry when I need to cry. I grieve for my life before Parkinson’s.  I am authentic with my emotions. But then, in due time, I free those emotions from my consciousness to allow that space to fill with, joy, happiness, and light.

My grandchildren have taught me what it means to be present, to live in the NOW.  Their joy or sadness is directly related to the moment they are in.  Children are fully engaged in what they are doing, they are authentic with their feelings.  In their little worlds, all that really matters is today.

In my grown-up life, I realize that all along I have had what really matters ……  I always have TODAY.

Guardian Angels at Work

On a perfect mellow Sunday under warm sunny skies, my husband and I, along with my Mom, relaxed in the park-like setting of my brother’s beautiful garden.  His best-buddy cats, lazed about in shady spots near us.  It was a gentle day.  Later, we savoured a delicious bbq’d salmon dinner followed by a gooey sweet strawberry & cream cake.  Mom told hilarious funny stories of her youth and we all  laughed and laughed and laughed. 

Later, as the sun was setting, we drove Mom home and then continued on to our home, travelling along the more scenic alternate two-lane route by the river, rather than the taking the faster freeway. There was very little traffic along the winding road which made for a peaceful and easy drive.   We noticed and commented  on the extremely high tide of the river to the right of us and the freshly plowed fields to the left.  With Ron at the wheel, my thoughts drifted randomly from one subject to another, and eventually came to thoughts about my Dad.  I remembered I had not had my chat with Dad as I usually do when I visit at my brother’s  house, where  Dad’s urn has a special spot in the den.  However, my husband said he took a moment to dust him off and say Hello and I was glad of that.

Just when I was thinking about Dad, I happened to glance forward then gasped loudly as I saw a car travelling very, very  fast, coming directly toward us in our lane. My husband very quickly veered to the right, where there was room to swerve out of the way and not land in the river.  The driver of the oncoming car had barely enough time to cross back over the yellow line back into his own lane.  This all took place in what seemed like the span of one nanosecond.

I believe with my truest heart, that Dad, my Guardian Angel came into my conscious awareness at that particular moment, intentionally  to protect us from harm and allow for our safety.   My Guardian Angel guided me to look forward and to gasp audibly at the site of the oncoming vehicle which then alerted Ron to react quickly to a potentially dangerous situation.   Another half-second and the outcome may have been, sadly, much different.

I have two Guardian Angels.   The presence of my first Guardian Angel has faded over time, but I know she is still with me.   The power of a Guardian Angel lies not in interfering or disturbing the natural order and flow of life and events, but by guiding your awareness and your consciousness to awaken to the voice of your Guardian Angel.  I honour  my Guardian Angels with respect, trust and faith from the deepness of my soul.

The Perfect Day

Have you ever had a day so incredibly perfect in every way, that it seems almost scary to feel that much happiness within yourself? You feel your heart will burst with love. A day that is so deliciously wonderful and unfolds in easy comfort, and you feel joy throughout every fibre of your body and soul. Your heart shines, you love life. You want to shout your joy from a rooftop and share your love with the universe. Your world is alight with happiness.

But yet you breathe with slightly guarded breath, because you know this perfect day is fragile. You want to protect your perfect day and so you hesitate to admit how infinitely astonishing it is to have this gift, for fear the warm soft glow of your perfect day slips away.

You want to be worthy of your perfect day. “Am I deserving of this happiness?”, you whisper to yourself? “If I revel in this perfect day, will the magic disappear”? “Will I break the spell?” You honour your spirit angels in Heaven for guiding this day to you. You regard this gift with respect and reverence for it’s exceptionality. You overflow with gratitude for this remarkable perfect day.

You want to remember every taste, smell, sound and every tick-tock of the clock of your perfect day. You want to keep forever in your heart that wondrous and purest moment when your precious baby granddaughter reached her tiny curled fingers up towards you and gently fell asleep cradled in your arms.

Reflections from within a Parkinson's Soul

I recently self-published my book of essays, written since my diagnosis in 2005.  Please refer to link for a preview of the book, Reflections from within a Parkinson's Soul.  Orders can be placed on-line at:
http://www.blurb.com/my/book/detail/1634413

True Soul

With each passing year layer upon layer
the walls of the fortress grew thicker protecting her true self
Her soul buried further under the layers
replaced with an un-true self
Survival, dependent on protection from the fortress
gave strength to triumph each day
An occasional reprieve, when in a fleeting glimpse
the soul inhabiting her body was freed
She wept with joy as the layers released their hold
And softened the path to her true self
The window of time never enough
for the layers to fall away completely
Soon the unforgiving walls and locked gates of the fortress returned
and buried her soul.

Then, a gift, to begin her life anew.

With each passing day layer upon layer
she was set free and her true self liberated
The gates and walls of the fortress which once protected her soul
slowly opened and crumbled away
Allowing glorious light to shine outwards from within.
A re-birth, a reunion with the self, a rediscovery
Awakening her truest essence of happiness, joy, bliss

Her true soul now free
forevermore.

The Empty Chair

The day began like most summer days. The lake was calm, the young osprey chirped happily from high above in their lofty nests. Far off in the distance, a water skier skimmed the lake behind a silent boat. A woman sat in a chair on the dock enjoying the morning sun.  There was an empty chair beside her.

She walked alone to the end of the dock to enjoy her morning cup of coffee. In the freshness and quiet of the start of the day, her skin warmed as the sun slowly rose over the hills behind her. She set out two deck chairs, methodically situating each chair to offer a pleasing view of the tranquil lake and lush vineyards in the surrounding hills. She sat in one of the chairs with her coffee cup balanced on the arm of the chair. Together, they had performed this morning ritual while vacationing at the lake during the same two calendar weeks of every summer for the past 14 years. But this year, the ritual was incomplete, unbalanced because of his absence. 

She breathed in deeply, as tears filled her eyes. Lonely, but comforted by her memories.

The other chair, still close beside her, no longer empty.

To Sleep! Perchance to Dream....

I fell asleep mid-evening, stretched out on our large, soft-cushioned couch. A warm fleece blanket covered me. The television and lights were on, but they quickly were lost, as I drifted away. During the night as I slept, I remember blindly muting the television and slightly opening my eyes, then deliberately and immediately closing my lids. I did not want to disturb my precious state of sleep heaven. I was comfortable, I was warm, my dreams were gentle. I wanted to stay in my cocoon-couch forever. I wanted to protect and keep this sleep which eludes me most nights.

When I awoke at dawn the next morning, I was surprised to find myself still on the couch. I very slowly opened my eyes just a fraction, just enough to see around me. I could hear the rain outside, distant, another world from where I was. I struggled with convincing myself that I must awaken, not only to take care of nature’s call, but also to take my medication, an essential element of my existence. I stayed conscious enough to do what was required, but when all was done, and to keep the treasured yet elusive near-sleep state with me, I quickly crawled into my bed of cool white cotton sheets, not removing my my jeans & shirt, for fear of losing this tender thread to sleep. I let the soft quilt fall gently over my face and as I shut my eyes, I called to that Guardian of Sleep, and prayed that it take me back into it’s arms of comfort and bliss. My plea was heard. After nine hours sleep, I opened my eyes fully and allowed my consciousness to surface. My body felt agile and youthful again, I was energized, my mind sharp and alert. I knew I wanted to jump up and start a new day!

Oh, what joy a good night’s sleep does bring. Glorious, beautiful sleep.